Perhaps the biggest debate this past year among my friends and I, you know besides girls and who's paying for alcohol, was my hypothetical NBA career. I guess first I should provide some background. First off and most importantly I am white and not the John Stockton or even the Keith Van Horn kind of white. I'm not tall, but not short either. I'm not an outstanding dribbler and I'm a decent shooter. Still, I did play on my high school basketball team; a modern day Hickory High with our state championship and even our mascot (the Hillbillies, that story will be saved for another day).
My redeeming basketball skill in high school was my ability to rebound. Obviously I wasn't the tallest person on the court, but you would be surprised how much easier it is to grab a board when you execute a simple box out, certainly a lost skill. I remember the summer going into my junior year I was playing in a summer league and I put up arguably one of my greatest performances on the court, I must've channeled the Force or something, I grabbed just about every rebound and I finished with 0 pts (as my grandfather would tell my uncles: "Never up, never in" bless his soul) and 25 rebounds. My knives for elbows certainly contributed to this success as well. I had a few other memorable performances, but I won't bore you all with those...yet. However, for the majority of my high school career I did put up my fair share of Trillions (shout out to Club Trillion). I was robbed of playing time, but that's another story.
For some unknown reason this rebounding skill has not translated as well to the college level (intramurals/pickup, in case there was any confusions, as I'm sure there was) as I would have expected. Sure I still get my fair share of boards, but I have to play more of a small forward position rather than the power forward/center position that I have been accustomed to; this is due in large part that I haven't grown and guys in college can be pretty big. So I'm currently working on my long jump shot, in particular my baseline jumpers which my friends can tell you more about, and I should be working on my dribbling.
Nevertheless I am still a competitive and a competent player. I am not afraid to set that screen against the man-beast, I hustle, and I love doing some give-and-go. I think I have armed you with enough information so now onto the debate...
This question was posed to me a few months ago: "If I was a starter on an NBA team how many points would I score?" Of course being the kind of person I am I wanted more specifics, such as if I could be on a team of my choice and would I get typical starter minutes. After I was armed with all the information I needed I was ready to give my answer. I declared that I would score 2 points a game, actually I said I would have 2.3 points a game. Damn. I was shocked by the outrage I received after the answer was given.
There was a fairly annoyed and angry response from my friends- clearly they have no faith in my skills. The have justifiable arguments, but I do as well. The main argument, kind of the only one as I think about it, is the speed of the professional game. I agree the pace of the NBA is indescribable; these are the greatest athletes in world and they can get to places in three steps that I probably couldn't get to in six. My friends believe that my shot is too slow-perhaps-and that an NBA player wouldn't even have to leave the ground to send the shot sailing into the stands. Also, even if I were to get a fast-break that they would be able to catch up before there was any danger because I am so slow (true I am very slow, but still).
I believe that I would have more success and that they aren't given me enough credit. Actually in my NBA career I hope that my opponents would do the same; I hope that they will forget about me because they don't believe in my abilities. When that is the case the ball will be swung to me..."from Downtown...SWISH" and I will be getting my Steve Novak on.
Come on how hard can it be to score 2 points? I figure even if they were able to catch up (c'mon unlikely right) and swat my shot I would drop like Don Vito Corlene and draw the foul. Maybe I should practice my flopping, since the Commissioner says it is not a problem in the league. Surprisingly I am an ok free throw shooter and it wouldn't be unrealistic for me to make two from the stripe. And if I am getting starters minutes I don't see why I wouldn't get three-four opportunities to get my points. A huge part of this experiment hinges on the team that I would play for and I did use one particular team in my original argument, but I decided to expand it to four teams. Without further ado:
4. Washington Wizards- They are mainly put onto this list because I wanted to have two good teams and two sucky teams, so congratulations Wizards. The Wizards are a dysfunctional team, but surprisingly not the most. They have a truly talented player, John Wall, who has been a disappointment so far, which is due inpart to the lack of talent that surrounds him. I have no idea what their cap space is but I'm sure they don't have much space to make a huge move, you know still having Rashard Lewis on the books for $23.790 million (thankfully last year of his deal) and with Nene-a solid center though-holding them at gun point for $52 million for the next four years. With limited cap space I would be an attractive option because I would be inexpensive and fall in line with their confusing signings. Plus it seems that their management would do anything to confound their suffering fan base.
3. Miami Heat- This was the original team in my argument, but they have obviously fallen down the list. The reason why the Heat are on the list is that they have Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh. Those three attract a ton of attention from opposing defenses and often times they dare other players to beat them. I would expect that they would force the Heat's hand and force myself to rise to the occasion and beat them. I would be more than happy to. So I would get my opportunities here, plus the Heat don't have much cap space so I can be an affordable options. And a white guy playing in South Beach would certainly take some attention from Lebron and he could spend more time practicing so he can make foul shots in the fourth quarter.
2. San Antonio Spurs- Has there ever been a team that has done more with less than the Spurs? Over the past 15 years-since they got Tim Duncan-the Spurs have had great role players that would be nonexistent on other teams. Matt Bonner, Gary Neal, Danny Green, DeJuan Blair would these players be having the impact they are having now on any other team? I mean come on if Tiago Sp [Daffy Duck voice or Stephen A. Smith's] litter can make an impact with his god-awful free throw shooting than I can. The Spurs play the kind of basketball that brings a swell to my heart and I would work extra hard to please Popovich and Duncan. A main part of the Spurs offense is pick and rolls, which I can do, and backdoor cuts; I don't think it's unfathomable for me to sneak through on some cuts and get some easy lay ups. So San Antonio I'll be waiting for the call, maybe I am the answer to stopping the Thunder.
1. Charlotte Bobcats- Jesus where do I begin? The Bobcats are a mess: they have just come off the worst season in NBA history, they lost out on the Unibrow Sweepstakes, and they have no foundation to rebuild the franchise. In short the Bobcats are desperate; they have to bring fans to the games especially when they have to compete with the powerhouse colleges in the area, which have a much better product. Michael Jordan has clearly shown he doesn't really give a crap about the future of the team, so I don't see him having a problem with the team signing me. Clearly I cannot make the team any worse. I also give the team some publicity; who would not be interested in an average folk becoming a starter on a fledging NBA team (it's like Like Mike except that I'm an adult and white). I would be the everyman that fans see themselves in and who wouldn't want to see me action, regardless if they want me to succeed or fail? With the franchise in such disarray I should be able to do well in garbage time and gather my 2 points. I don't see how the Bobcats can say no. Do it for the fans Jordan!
I really hope that one day, soon, that this experiment can be put to the test. I think that I made it clear to you and my friends that this is totally realistic. It would be a once-in-a lifetime situation. It's also a win-win situation for the team and myself. At worst I am the new generation of Brian Scalabrine.
Hey Jordan, see you on the golf course, I think I have a new wager for us.
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